


five

by side_stickie_note (lost_stickie_note)



Series: tinysparks [13]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jongdae's Birthday Week 2020, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Slight hints of depressive feelings, Terminal Illnesses, This is way too sad for a birthday fic I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26463799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_stickie_note/pseuds/side_stickie_note
Summary: There are 5 stages of grief, at least that's what his therapist Junmyeon tells him. Sometimes Baekhyun thinks he'll never make it to the end.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Series: tinysparks [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734781
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26
Collections: Challenge #7 — Out of Order





	five

**Author's Note:**

> There's no excuse to be this angsty in a birthday fic. I'm so sorry, Jongdae. Hahaha. Nothing much to say except that I have been itching to do a non-linear narrative fic lately, so it was great timing for this challenge.

**Stage 5; Acceptance**

Baekhyun twists the ring on his finger absentmindedly, the old habit hard to break, his thumb rubbing up against the smooth metal, the engraving on the inner surface comforting over his skin. It’s been a while since he’s last taken it off, and there’s a mark, the barest hint of a tan line that starts just above his knuckle.

“Hey, you ready to go to dinner?” Chanyeol gives him a small smile accompanied by an inquiring look.

“Not quite.” Baekhyun is hesitant. “Give me maybe ten minutes?”

Chanyeol nods. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be downstairs.”

Baekhyun tenses slightly when he hears the ringing on the other end, hollow and tinny in his ear—two three four rings—and the call goes straight to voicemail, the sound of Jongdae’s voice loud.

“Hello, you have reached Kim Jongdae- Baekhyun stop it, don’t-“ He hears the laughing, Jongdae dissolving into a cloud of giggling, the sound of his own voice coming through. “What, you don’t want to get kisses?” Shrieking with obnoxious lip smacking noises, Baekhyun fondly remembering his attempts at wrapping Jongdae up in a backhug. “Baek, I’m recording my voicemail message-“ Whines. “Well- now everyone knows you’re mine.” Jongdae groaning. “Anyways, leave a message, and I’ll catch you later.”

He waits for the beep.

“Happy Birthday, Jongdae.”

“I love you.”

Baekhyun hangs up.

**Stage 3; Bargaining**

The phone rings.

This time it’s Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun is vaguely aware of his friend attempting to remind him of his appointment without seeming too overbearing, voice laced with a cautious concern, choosing his words meticulously as to not upset him. “It’s okay, Soo. I’m actually on the way out the door now, running a bit late though. I’ll call you later.”

It’s ironically nice weather, the sun beating down on him as he rushes to the nearest subway stop, melding into the crowd of people that always seem to be going somewhere, even when Baekhyun’s life had stopped moving, swimming together like a school of fishes.

Junmyeon is kind as always, even if Baekhyun is just going through the motions, nodding and smiling at the moments he thinks he’s supposed to. Though he’s not sure if Junmyeon is truly convinced. Baekhyun wonders if the smile is reaching his eyes.

“So Baekhyun, tell me how you’ve been feeling.”

Baekhyun hates this part, his body stiffening in the chair, the words threatening to choke him.

If only he had done something different, noticed something was wrong sooner, Jongdae wouldn’t have- Or maybe he would have had more time to tell Jongdae how much-

“I’m fine.”

**Stage 1; Denial**

“You’re not fine.”

Chanyeol shoves the bottle of water into his hands, giving him a look, eyebrow raised pointedly. “You’ve been running around all morning, Baekhyun. Have you even eaten yet? It’s almost one.”

Baekhyun gulps down the water, gratefully accepting the muffin that Chanyeol hands him. “I’m fine. There’s still a lot to check on before the funeral, and then there’s the wake-“ Baekhyun pauses, unsure. “I’m not even sure the florist and caterer have gotten here yet.”

“Slow down.” Chanyeol is firm. “You haven’t stopped to catch your breath for even a minute since-“ The panic slides on to Chanyeol’s face, and Baekhyun can feel the guilt coming off his friend in waves.

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Baekhyun reassures him.

A lot of people show up—coworkers, Jongdae’s best friend from university, Minseok, family—all faceless in the crowd as Baekhyun stands up to give the eulogy. It goes well, the speech engrained into his memory, the countless hours penning everything he’s felt for the one person he’s ever been in love with.

Baekhyun is almost to the end when he breaks.

“-I loved you.”

The realization that Jongdae now exists in past tense.

Kyungsoo finishes the eulogy, casting him a worried look, as Chanyeol whisks him away to the bathroom where he cries until everyone’s left.

**Stage 4; Depression**

Baekhyun wakes up crying.

It’s not the first time, but he’s still surprised when it happens.

Chanyeol comes around in the afternoon, finding Baekhyun still huddled in bed, having not moved from his spot since the morning, tears long since dried on his cheeks, too exhausted to clean the grittiness from his face. He is thankful that Chanyeol doesn’t say anything about it, just starts to pick up the clothes strewn across the floor, gathering them into the hamper.

Baekhyun wants to say _thank you for taking care of me_ but he’s too tired, and he sinks back into a fitful sleep.

"It's okay to not be okay, Baekhyun." 

He wakes up to the smell of food that Chanyeol tries to push him to eat, unsuccessfully.

Baekhyun takes two bites and stops, the plate left full.

**Stage 2; Anger**

There’s a satisfying shatter when the plate hits the wall, the shards joining the rest of the broken pieces littering his kitchen floor. Four plates down and counting. Surprisingly, his neighbors haven’t called in a noise complaint yet, despite Baekhyun’s storm of fury the entire morning, throat raw from screaming and crying.

_Why did you leave me?_

Baekhyun knows it’s unfair, that it’s not really Jongdae’s fault for getting sick. But Baekhyun is alone in a place that is supposed to be theirs and is now only his, and it’s too much all of a sudden, the overwhelming amount of stuff he has.

He spends the day throwing out everything that reminds him of Jongdae.

“Baekhyun.”

He looks up to see Chanyeol holding a box. “Why was this box outside your apartment?”

“I’m throwing it out. It’s trash.”

Baekhyun watches as Chanyeol quietly surveys the mess of his kitchen.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

He feels his heart clench as his friend procures the ring box from his things, taking his hand and slipping the wedding band back on to his finger where it belongs.

“You don’t.”

Chanyeol pauses.

“And you’ll want to keep your ring, Baekhyun, I promise you that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of open-ended I realized after finishing writing, but Chanyeol is simply being a good friend. Thank you for making it all the way till the end! ♡♡
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback always appreciated!
> 
> Twitter: [@sidestickienote](https://twitter.com/sidestickienote)  
> CuriousCat: [@sidestickienote](https://curiouscat.qa/sidestickienote)


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